If NBA Players Were TV Show Characters

On Tuesday, Minnesota Timberwolves fan (and presumably, Final Cut Pro aficionado) Marcos López linked basketball and Beverly Hills in a way few had ever imagined: by setting the current crop of TWolves upon the backdrop of one of television’s most iconic programs.

He calls it Minnesota Timbertrolls 90210, and it’s nothing short of phenomenal:

Now while Brandon Walsh‘s set shot leaves a little something to be desired, the video’s essence is pure “Donna Martin graduate” excellence. We have only one question for Lopez: why stop there? Why allow the story to start and end at The Peach Pit, when the options for other parodies are limitless? In the spirit of Minnesota Timbertrolls 90210, let us imagine how many other directions we might be able to take this thing.

We start with the natural transition that is Tiffani Amber Thiessen. Long before she was Valerie Malone – Beverly Hills bad girl by way of Buffalo – she was Kelly Kapowski, the sugary sweet love interest of “preppy” Zack Morris on “Saved by the Bell.” Imagine an LA Clippers video set to the SBTB theme. Now imagine Blake Griffin in A.C. Slater‘s maroon wrestling singlet, and Chris Paul “ridin’ low in [his] chair” because the “dog ate all my homework last night.” Gold.

blake-slater

 

Too campy? Okay. Let’s get serious and shift to Chicago, where the Bulls scrub-in at County General Hospital as the cast of E.R. Paging Doug McDermott to Pediatrics. And Joakim Noah, on one knee, doing the Eriq La Salle post-op. punch? Magic, simply magic.

noah-eriq

 

After eight seasons in the 80’s spent wearing Celtic green, then another dozen and counting as a team executive, Danny Ainge is a fixture in Beantown. Boston is a place “Where Everybody Knows [His] Name.” Factor in Midwest-transplant Brad Stevens behind the bar, diminutive yet feisty Rajon Rondo dishing drinks on the floor, and Jeff Green greeted by name upon entry? “Cheers” to that!

This season will be Dwyane Wade‘s 12th in Miami, and at 32, he’s literally the city’s old guard. How much longer before he’s in the kitchen forking late-night cheesecake with Chris Bosh, Luol Deng, and Bea Arthur? Visions of aging gracefully alongside LeBron James ended when the four-time MVP exited for Ohio. But who knows what the future holds? Afterall, King James is known for traveling “down the road and back again.” For now, however, the Heat’s “Golden Girls” spoof is short at least one “pal and confidant.”

wade-arthur

 

That’s of course, because LeBron thinks “Cleveland Rocks.” A Cavaliers version of “The Drew Carey Show” open, with James and friends running down the middle of the street, trailed by hundreds of fans, only to see the squad line-up two-by-two at an ATM where Kevin Love lifts Kyrie Irving into an arabesque? Yes please. Ohio!

And were Lopez to tackle a Knicks video, well, his biggest hurdle would be choosing which iconic New York show to channel:

“In the National Basketball Association, the teams are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The passers who cultivate Zen, and the Carmelo Anthony‘s who frustrate the defenders. These are their stories.” That’d work.

Or maybe he goes even grittier, sampling the drums and subway sounds of the city’s 15th precinct, puts Amar’e Stoudemire in riot gear, flashes to Derek Fisher sipping swill from a paper cup, and delivers something called NYBB Blue (and Orange).

 

derek-dennis

 

But at their core, the Knicks are selfish. The focus is on personal gain, and not in developing meaningful relationships. They’re shallow, they’re petty. And with exactly one playoff series win in the last 14 seasons, but a roster that features one of the game’s most-talented players, the squad simply lacks any real substance.

You could say, they’re a team about nothing. Cue the bass guitar.

Yada-yada, Marcos López, yada-yada.

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